Life Right Now

5 Dec

***i’m fully aware that life could be much harder than it is right now. i’m thankful this tough time doesn’t include any health issues, financial worries, etc. i’m just venting here***

life isn’t at it’s easiest point right now. i don’t have the time to stop and the smell roses and i’m pretty sure that even if i did, i wouldn’t have the energy. i don’t care what anybody says, the transition from one baby to two is hard. it’s been almost four months since rilyn was born and we still feel like we’re just barely keeping our heads above water.

i hate that feeling.

i’ve debated for a while now whether to write about how we’ve been feeling on the blog. it’s certainly not my intention to make our life seem nothing but peachy, but sometimes you worry about how others will think of your not-so-pleasant-feelings, so you leave them out. this is our life though, and this is how we’re feeling so i want to document it. i want to so that months/years from now we can read this and realize we made it through a particularly tough time. and please don’t be one of those people that think what i’m saying means that we do not love our sweet little rilyn or that we are not happy that she is here. those people couldn’t be more wrong.

i’m sure many friends can remember us saying that any subsequent children we have will be a lot of work compared to lakyn. that’s turned out to be true. and i’m sure many friends can remember us also saying that it’s much harder to have your easy baby be your first. i feel like we’d be able to handle the transition from one to two better if we had our tough baby first. perhaps God knew, though, that we needed to have the easy baby first. perhaps He knew that if we had rilyn first, we wouldn’t have any more children.

maybe it has everything to do with rilyn being colic for the first three months of her life. maybe it has a little to do with her not sleeping well, being up every two hours throughout the night (at almost 4 months old) and not falling asleep any other way except for nursing, and maybe a tiny bit to do with the fact that she refuses every bottle on the market. which means i am the only person that can put her back to sleep. at any time of the day/night (meaning i resemble a walking zombie AND a milking cow). okay, maybe it has to do with all of those things, and maybe it has nothing to do with them. instead, maybe it has everything to do with us just feeling like our family is complete now, but regardless, brandon and i are at peace with the idea of not having any more children.

who knows how we’ll feel in 3 years. but right now, we’re done.

and like i said, we’re at peace with the idea. moving on.

thankfully we’re over the colic and we have a MUCH happier and content baby. she’s smiling more and just yesterday i got more giggles than i could count! but now that miss cranky pants has left, miss i don’t like sleep/want to sleep/know how to fall asleep is here. it usually takes about 20-30 minutes to get rilyn asleep. she usually only naps for about 40 minutes, and like i mentioned earlier, she’s up every two hours throughout the night. i miss sleep. and yes i’m going to be selfish here, i miss those breaks during the day when my kids napped. i NEED those breaks.

on top of trying to adjust to little sleep and giving an infant all the attention they require, we can’t forget that we have a toddler as well. and toddlers, especially at the age lakyn is at, require just as much attention. its hard to balance that. its also hard to see your (almost) 3 year old struggle with the fact that everything gets put on hold when baby sister cries. maybe just for a few seconds/minutes, maybe for a while longer, but mom has to stop and tend to the baby and that’s hard for lakyn to understand right now. especially if she was waiting so patiently for mom to put baby sister down for her nap so they could play together, and baby sister wakes up as soon they get the toys out to start playing. i wish there were two of me. i try to make sure i make good use of rilyn’s naps by spending time with lakyn (i taught her how to play Slap Jack and its her favorite game right now). this is made a tiny bit easier with the fact that lakyn doesn’t take naps anymore. :/ oh how i wish that weren’t the case. anyway, when you’re trying to balance time between both kids something else gets neglected. you should see my house right now. no, scratch that. you’d be disgusted.

and my poor husband. he’s been so patient with all of this and is doing his best to help me out as much as he can when he gets home, but since he doesn’t have the milk supply there’s not much he can do. by the time we finally get both girls down for the night, i’m ready to collapse in bed myself. especially since i know i’ll be up in two hours anyway.  sidenote, i love my husband dearly, but it takes all i have in me not to kick him when i’m trying to fall back asleep after being up with rilyn for the third time. not because he’s snoring, but because he’s in a peaceful deep sleep and i most certainly am not. jealous for sure, and its hard to convince myself at 4 in the morning that a good swift kick to the hubs will not, in fact, make me feel better.

and two things that i’m extremely annoyed with right now, because i know you’re so interested:

1) whoever said, “there’s no use in crying over spilt milk” obviously wasn’t a nursing mother. due to rilyn’s refusal of bottles, i’ve been trying to give her one every day in hopes that she’ll become familiar enough with it and decide to take it. in doing so every day i’m wasting milk that i’ve had stored in the freezer. i’m really wishing i had decided to freeze a few 1 ounce bags, instead of doing 2 ounce increments. especially with the supply problems i had with lakyn, i hate pouring it down the drain. so much so it makes me nauseous.

2) “sleep when the baby sleeps”. fine and dandy when you only have the baby. when you’ve got older kids, THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE.

bah humbug.

all of this out there on the table, i know there will be a day when i don’t need an endless supply of caffeine. i know there will be a day when brandon and i don’t look at each other and wonder how we’ll get through this or wonder when life will get a little bit easier. there will be a day when i’m not so tired i could cry. there will come a night when i actually get to sleep. and there will be a day when the smell of roses fills my house.

until then i’ve got these cheeks to kiss

and this one to play with and laugh with

these little beauties are worth it. no doubt in my mind they’re worth it.

3 Responses to “Life Right Now”

  1. Tylie December 5, 2012 at 3:25 pm #

    I LOVE your honesty! Yes the transition from 1 to 2 is TOUGH! Let the great juggling act begin! Oh and the tag teaming. You are not alone in feeling like it is hard because it IS hard. Pierce didn’t take a bottle until he was 7 months old and it can be so exhausting never getting a break. I get it..except he wasn’t colicky so I can only imagine the added stress component. You are such a great mom. I know it doesn’t feel like it but you are. Your girls are so lucky to have you!

  2. Terri December 5, 2012 at 3:42 pm #

    I am so sorry Afton!! It is ridiculously hard when you’re baby isn’t sleeping AND you are the only source of nutrition for that child. Absolutely exhausting. And I only have one!! I remember waaaay too many fights with Austin during those rough months. And I was exactly the same way…completely jealous of his good sleep! On a side note, have you tried Prevacid? I had a friend who’s baby wouldn’t sleep well until he was on Prevacid (Zantac didn’t work) and once he was on it for a week or so he finally slept through the night at (she waited 14 months!)! Just a thought. It was the miracle drug for Sadie’s eating issues. Maybe it’ll work for her sleeping issues.

  3. Jody December 5, 2012 at 9:36 pm #

    Their faces are soo sweet. I’d bring you some roses if we lived closer, then you’d at least have the “house smelling like roses” part down!
    This is the exact reason we’re waiting on having 2, I’m not sure I could handle 2, it scares the “you know what” out of me. I feel like Leah was an easy baby like Lakyn and we’ll pay for it with #2.
    I wish I could offer you some awesome mothering advice, you’re doing a great job and your kids love you!

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